Confessions Of A Broken Heart...

     I’m starting to gather up what has been bugging me lately that leads to all the emotional distress that I’ve been having…I don’t know whether I’ve let it out to you before but seriously for the past couple of weeks I’ve been going through a serious life evaluation, meaning I’m actually reflecting about what I’ve done, accompalishments and my future plans…and apparently, nothing bizarre or bombastic has been happening, in fact, so far I have nothing worth shouting about…all my life I’ve been living in the safe zone where I’ve never actually been out there and start something from the very scratch, I’ve always been dependable on others and being lucky most of the time…I wonder how does it feel to get your hands dirty while having that passion and the will to survive and declaring yourself a self-made entrepreneur or anything in particular…I know, I can only wonder, but we have to be physically and mentally prepared with the obstacles and challenges that’s heading our way when it comes to starting something on your own…but before that, let me clarify an issue in which it’s not that I’m not greatful or thankful with what I have and the people around me, but somehow, as a person, they say you never truly know yourself in terms of personality and capability until you throw yourself all alone into the endlessly competitive phenomenon called LIFE out there…and because of that lack of Life experience, you tend to be mono, meaning that you do grew up, you do develop your personality, interest and dreams, but somehow, it’s rather ordinary and not groundbreaking…and only God knows what will your next course of action be once the law of nature starts to hit you big time!!!...And if you realised it, these kind of people will suffer a personality disorder that will take a dramatic emotional turn to the people around them, I mean, at first you tend to have fun in your life like getting your first job, your first car and all the joys of that first steps on being independent…but what happens when you start to move on with that job of yours and starting to realise that you’re actually doing the same thing day in day out 24/7 every single year???...You starting to wonder, is this what I REALLY want???...and when you have these endless questions lingering in your head, it starts to consume a part of you that caused some insecurity and unrelevant discomfort in your personality and how you carry yourself…and when people starts realising that, they tend to build a wider gap from you in the name of respecting your issue and pretty much giving you the favor to reflect on your actions (what%@*#ingever)... But hey, it does happened, in fact, it’s happening to me now…

I’m a 26 year-old guy, turning 27 in May next year, and it won’t be long until the day when I come to realise where tomorrow I’ll be turning 30!!!...and yet STILL I have nothing concrete that I can truly declare mine, while I know a normal guy must have at least something by the time they are 30…and yet, this morning my wake up call is a loud bang at my door caused by my dad’s intensed anger at me for not waking up for Subuh prayer…I know, there are millions of others out there missed their Subuh and it happens on a daily basis, but how I look at it, these tiny mishaps is actually a reflection of what you are as a kid when your parents indeed wake you up for your Subuh prayers, I mean there’s nothing wrong or weird about it really…but I’m wondering when will this ‘ritual’ has to end where I can actually wake up for Subuh all on my own???...not only will it increased my dad’s calmness and patience, but I’ll be developing a higher level of discipline in myself…I don’t know, these are some of the things that makes me want to have a complete makeover of what I want to be in the long run…yeah, it starts with the prayer time misses, what about everything else??? Before things starts making an ugly turn, I better shake my test-tube real hard…I should drop all unnecessary things and even people out of my life, coz they surely dropped you a long time ago…I should start with the basics…start learning, analyzing, understanding and proceed with action to achieve results…but will I really make it in the end???…I don’t know, perhaps those questions should be dumped somewhere and just fill yourself up with all the encouragement and positive motivations just for the sake of moving on and trying to make it…it sure gives me one helluva goosebumps just thinking about it, but really, I think that is sooooo normal, but never take that for granted…spend on what you truly need, not what you desire…have a good financial management skills, always set a line on how much you’re spending…try to adapt to a much simpler lifestyle (eventhough you grew up the easy way) by having affordable stuffs instead of branded items…never get intimidated with what people around you are doing, but rather have fun with it and aim to do the same thing at your own expense one day…and most importantly, NEVER BE AFRAID TO ACCEPT AND DEVOUR WHO YOU REALLY ARE REGARDLESS OF YOUR FLAWS, DISADVANTAGES & WEAKNESSES!!!...that is one BIG quality you need to embrace…all your accompalishments or good deeds will be pointless if you are FAKE…and, for the sake of pleasing your soul once in a while, HAVE FUN WITH LIFE…LIFE has beautiful surprises, opportunities, and even tempting gold mines…so always be on your toes to happily jump on to any chances you get, with deep thought and consideration of course…and Insyaallah, something remarkable will be heading your way soon…just have to remind myself, “When You Have Nothing, Allah Is Up To Something”…J

Bawalah Daku Pergi...Dari Derita Ini...

Yes...the title and the picture used for this post sure sums up what's going on in my head in full totality...haiihhhh tak paham aku...or should i say, what have i done to deserve all this...i don't know...sometimes i wonder, why can't my life be much more flexible and rather 'easy' like some people do?...it's not that i'm not greatful or felt blessed with what i have today, but sometimes, as human beings, we always have a desire to do what we want to do or go whenever we dreamt of going, you know, like your wildest ravaries...eventhough they might be too demanding or it might cost a bomb, some people can still depend on somebody provided that it must be returned/paid back when the time's right...simple...yeah, people might be wondering everybody does that, but seriously, it's not happening here on my side...let's straightened out all this twisted mental glitches shall we?...

Here's the situation...a cousin of mine recently told me that she already booked a flight ticket to Italy next year in March to be with her boyfriend, who's there as we speak for some training programme (she'll only be there for 2 weeks before heading back home to Malaysia together)...after hearing that, somehow it strucked my head and wonder how much does it cost her for the flight ticket at that period of time...as for her case, since that she'll be flying with our home grown, world-class Malaysian Airlines, it cost her around 5k...owh well, it's Italy we're talking about, or any European country in that matter, not only the flight ticket cost a bomb, even the currency exchange is unpredictably crazy...so i was like okay, but then she told me that another cousin of mine is planning for a trip to Europe as well to see her friend, and since this second of mine is aware that my first cousin is going to Italy, she decides to tag along...how cool's that right?...and considering that the trip will be in March, i pretty much got plenty of time to stock up my insufficient account balance :P...so yeah, that sure sparked my hopes a little...

So the next morning i called up my second cousin in the office and had a small chat with her about this newly discussed agenda...and of course she's excited about it as well...and as a bonus, she also decide to go to Paris from Italy to meet up with her friend there, while trying to remain in a one country trip budget, for me, that's like the coolest plan ever, imagine going to Italy and Paris all in one travelling period...so without further a due she quickly surfed the net to find the best and cheapest airline ticket price out there for our destination...being a reliable person she is, she found one...Kuwait Airlines...hahaha...and she even surveyed the low-cost carriers in Europe for her trip to Paris from Italy...and she found that one too...it's around RM145...that is like serious bargain...and the best part of it all, she told me if we're going to Italy, we'll be touching down in ROME...ROME...owh hell ROME!!!...i ALWAYS wanted to go to ROME!!!...and of course that sparks a higher level of hope to me...

After all that, let's reveal the ticket pricing...after my second cousin done with her convergence calculation like adding up the ticket price together with the low cost carrier flights from Europe, food and drinks, airport tax and potential public transportation fees (accomodation is not included considering that we have contacts in those 2 countries)...altogether is RM4200...yup...it's INSANELY CHEAP considering that we'll be going off to 2 different countries!!!...owwwhhhhh this sure is the trip for me...and since that we did all this online, we need to book the ticket fast.......here's where the twist of events happened......i asked her like how fast when she meant by 'fast', she said it's better to book the tickets like THAT INSTANT and prepare the money latest a month from now...WHAT???...scooping out RM4k+ in a months time???...whhooahhhh...that's just impossible for me...that trip will be in March for God's sake...can it be slightly later than that?, than my cousin told me that it's best to book now in order to avoid any flight price increment...yup, she has a point...and at that moment...i realised...i don't wanna be the pain in other people's ass...so i decided...i have to pull out from this trip...getting that kind of money so soon it's just not happening for me...i wa shoping maybe i can do the payment by end of December (considering that most probably i'll be getting some bonuses by that time)...but flight tickets are hot stuffs and very unpredictable in terms of price...i guess by December there will be an increase in that flight ticket...as i took a sigh at myself, i told my cousin that i'm not going...after all that hopes and wildest imagination, the final verdict is that...it sure is frustrating...i feel like getting out of here backpacking and just go somewhere unclear and just stayed and wept for myself...hmmmmmm, now i know this late bloomer has never been so lucky either when it comes to things like this...it's painful but i think it's the best step for me to realise it now rather than knowing it later or closer to the trip date right?...so here i am, one again, lefted out from a trip that i truly looking forward to...:((

p/s: Somehow, being a noble lil soul she is, my first cousin (the one who's off to Italy to see her BF) told me that maybe it's not too late just yet, she told me to tell my second cousin to book her tickets soon if she has to, as for me, i just need to find out the ticket pricing again in December...yup there will be some increased pricing, but she told me it won't be so severe, considering that December is still months ahead of the actual trip date...hmmmmm...i don't know, i had enough of installing false hopes to myself...but i guess you'll never know until you try right?...we'll see...:)

Haaahhhh...My Retreat is Coming!!!...

Huhuuuhu...before u knew it, we are already approaching the end of the year VERY SOON...yerlah, as i'm typing this post pon dah masok 20 haribulan Oktober 2008 dah...rase mcm minggu lepas je i got back from Seoul, Korea and had a simple but memorable New Year outing with my sis and my nieces...and in 2 months time i might be planning the same thing again :P...huuuhhh time sure flies swiftly, and it's rather scary too, tp nak buat camner kan, dah zahirnya waktu tu berlalu begitu, kita sebagai hamba Allah ni make full use of the time given je lah kan...

And yes, not forgetting, blom pon habis lagi menunaikan undangan open house rakan2 skrg ni almost everywhere in KL (including my aunty pon akan buat this coming saturday), Deepavali pulak bakal menjelma lagi...Yes, the festival of lights is coming and it sure is a very joyous occasion for our homeland Hindus...kebiasaannya lah kan when it comes to Deepavali, my and my family mmg WITHOUT FAIL akan pergi melawat out Indian neighbours, especially this one Indian family yg dok belakang rumah kitorang...we have been close neighbours for AGES, more that 40 year dah rasenyer, dah jadi mcm family friend dah...we even know each other's immediate and extended families, so that sums up our closeness lah kan...Setiap kali Deepavali, kitorang sekeluarga akan pergi rumah dia (dier mmg akan jemput the night before) and dier akan prepare dier nyer specialty dishes which coincidentally MMG OUR FAVOURITE pon kalau ke rumah dier...antaranya ialah dier nyer Beriyani, Chicken Curry dier, sayur campur dier and MY PERSONAL FAVOURITE...Bihun Putih!!!...OMG, bende ni mmg is a must kalau aku bertandang rumah neighbour aku ni...simple je rupenyer...it's actually Putu Mayam yg digoreng dgn bawang merah, garlic, cili kering dan sprinkle with carojan seeds...tp rasenyer, ouukkkhhhhh (tone Kak Pah), mmg terangkat...camnerlah neighbour aku tu buat pon aku tak tau...and the best part, neighbour aku ni hati dier punyerlah noble, if one of us can't make it to his place on that day, he'll make sure yg dier akan bungkuskan all the food yg dier dah prepared for us soh bawak balik, so that anyone of us yg tak dpt dtg tu dptlah merasa ape dier masak...and yes, mmg kitorang dah terbiasa buat camtuh...harmoni sgt...:)

And nampak gayanyer this year nyer Deepavali kenelah aku mintak kakak2 ku bungkuskan untuk i...waana know why???...beacuse on Deepavali itself tu aku dan my close MMU mates akan makan2 angin ke PORT DICKSON...yeayyyyy...well, some might say 'apalah ade kat PD tu? Pantai x cantik sgt..."...owh no no, this has nothing to do with finding the most breathtaking beaches for our eyes to savour, this trip is about being together again in PD since our student days...yup, kitorang pernah dtg PD ni buat one of our final projects back during our MMU days...Ingat lagi waktu tu i bawak my van and al 6 or 7 of us stuffed ourselves into the van and nk budget nyer pasal, kitorang sewa bilik kat the well-known HOTEL SELAT...yessss...this hotel is so well known not because the 5 star ke ape, tp sbb dier adelah budget hotel yg nampak VERY RUNDOWN and DODGY Habisssss...ade yg cakap mlm2 boleh dpt byk 'value added services' kat hotel tu...hahahaha...tak kesahlah, by the end of the day, dier still provide the essentials like big katil, sabun, TV and even air-cond...anyway, back to PD, and u know what, i'm not sure whether it is sheer luck, but we did managed to find some unique and breathtaking spots in PD...Teluk Kemang tu for instance, if we walk sket dari dier nyer main beach tu, kita boleh jumpa an island of mangroves naturally positioned and patterned...mmg cantik...and other parts of the beach where kita boleh tgk nice rock formations and at certain times of the day where the sea water is just nice (time air mcm dah nk surut sket tu) boleh feeling mcm oasis tau sebenarnyer...well, of course lah dier x secantik Redang or Tioman or Kapas and all, tp for those nk lepak tepi laut without having to pergi jauh2, PD is the place to go...besides, we like to add some extras of course, since that kitorang planning nak semalaman kat sana, kitorang decide nk masok Seremban sekali, round2 situ tgk Seri Menanti ke, Kota Lukut ke, Makam Raja Melewar ke ape kan???....Bila lagi nk jadi tourist di negara sendiri with your closest mates kan???...that's why i'm really looking forward for this trip Insyaallah...

Okaylah, nk confirmed kan certain things about this trip, and also nk wish HAPPY DEEPAVALI to all my Hindu mates!!!...:)

UURRGGGHHHHHHH…I REALLY HATE THIS!!!...LOTS OF IT!!!...:(

     Yup…it’s that time again…it really happens again…I wonder what have I done wrong this time around…and this time, I think it’s entirely not fair for me to feel this way during the festive month of Aidil Fitri…C’mon, it’s the time of togetherness, forgiveness, and constant happiness that should be taking place in my life right now…but NOOOO…here I am again, with my inner uncertainty, uneasiness, and lastly, unhappy…the tormented soul in me is consuming from the inside yet again, and this time, it is rather in full force…YA ALLAH…why do I have to face this soooooo unrelevant inner battle yet again, why can’t I just accept the true nature that has been intended to stay as it is rather than being pissed or dramatically traumatized just because things doesn’t go my way?…I’m telling you, I HATE IT…It’s just not right for me to feel this way about the things and people around me just because things doesn’t go my way…when will that day come where I can totally absorb all the intended destiny that has been laid out before all of us knowing it and be cool about it?...I mean, why do I need to constantly reminding myself about this when other people took it as common sense?...It seems to become like a never ending affair for me…and the worst part is, this thing is so private with a very high level of exclusivity, I can’t simply letting it go to anyone, not even to my family or my soulmates…yeahhh, it is that sad…and yes, this feeling has been so long fermented that it has transformed beyond than just an emotional poison…I’m starting to somehow developed a dual personality that is sooooo obvious, I realized that even outsiders (like my cousin’s friends or long distant relatives) can sense that unstable nature that is starting to reveal itself on me…

Well, at least Jean Grey's inner Phoenix comes with cool firey blasts

     Yeahhhh, you know those gestures they tend to speak less to you, or trying to lessened the time to hang out by coming out with excuses that you can’t top it up with, or even they would give a heads on reaction like giving you the ‘look’ when things starting to get a bit curious and so on…I’m getting that a LOT nowadays thanks to this disorder of mine…now this is the real TISSUES & ISSUES in its purest form…and the side effects of all this? I’m deteriorating my own confidence, I’ll be timid as hell, and instead of going through it like a champ, I decided to lock myself anywhere possible and shutting up any kind of contacts or events that would usually be my sole option for solitude…owh boy, and I am doing just that even as I’m typing this entry, I’m in the office right now by the way, and yeah I’m ignoring EVERYONE, even my BOSSES received the same treatment from me today!...I’m starting to have this visual images in my head that emphasis a lot on the negativity on things, and sometimes, even picturing the downfall of other people just so that I can act as if I’m the only the shoulder to cry on so that I CAN BE THE ATTENTION INSTEAD OF LOOKING FOR ONE…ooowwwhhhhhh I feel like crying right now…why can’t I just be cool about my own destiny???...WHY CAN”T I JUST BE COOL ABOUT MY OWN DESTINY!!!??? (Screaming)…I know I’m a late bloomer by nature, but I can’t stay that way forever right? You know what, I think know what needs to be done…and that is a huge inner make over…yeah, that’s it! (as if I never felt this way before)…but I guess maybe this is a sign for me to proceed with what I have intended in my head all this while…hmmmmm, maybe this isolation that I have created can be the starting point that I need to go through with what I need to do to kick-off this one plan of mine…yup, I guess I should start somewhere…I already have all the essentials that I need to run through…maybe I should start today! :)

WOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

I JUST HAD THE BEST AIDIL FITRI EVAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!