Yup…it’s that time again…it really happens again…I wonder what have I done wrong this time around…and this time, I think it’s entirely not fair for me to feel this way during the festive month of Aidil Fitri…C’mon, it’s the time of togetherness, forgiveness, and constant happiness that should be taking place in my life right now…but NOOOO…here I am again, with my inner uncertainty, uneasiness, and lastly, unhappy…the tormented soul in me is consuming from the inside yet again, and this time, it is rather in full force…YA ALLAH…why do I have to face this soooooo unrelevant inner battle yet again, why can’t I just accept the true nature that has been intended to stay as it is rather than being pissed or dramatically traumatized just because things doesn’t go my way?…I’m telling you, I HATE IT…It’s just not right for me to feel this way about the things and people around me just because things doesn’t go my way…when will that day come where I can totally absorb all the intended destiny that has been laid out before all of us knowing it and be cool about it?...I mean, why do I need to constantly reminding myself about this when other people took it as common sense?...It seems to become like a never ending affair for me…and the worst part is, this thing is so private with a very high level of exclusivity, I can’t simply letting it go to anyone, not even to my family or my soulmates…yeahhh, it is that sad…and yes, this feeling has been so long fermented that it has transformed beyond than just an emotional poison…I’m starting to somehow developed a dual personality that is sooooo obvious, I realized that even outsiders (like my cousin’s friends or long distant relatives) can sense that unstable nature that is starting to reveal itself on me…
Well, at least Jean Grey's inner Phoenix comes with cool firey blasts
Yeahhhh, you know those gestures they tend to speak less to you, or trying to lessened the time to hang out by coming out with excuses that you can’t top it up with, or even they would give a heads on reaction like giving you the ‘look’ when things starting to get a bit curious and so on…I’m getting that a LOT nowadays thanks to this disorder of mine…now this is the real TISSUES & ISSUES in its purest form…and the side effects of all this? I’m deteriorating my own confidence, I’ll be timid as hell, and instead of going through it like a champ, I decided to lock myself anywhere possible and shutting up any kind of contacts or events that would usually be my sole option for solitude…owh boy, and I am doing just that even as I’m typing this entry, I’m in the office right now by the way, and yeah I’m ignoring EVERYONE, even my BOSSES received the same treatment from me today!...I’m starting to have this visual images in my head that emphasis a lot on the negativity on things, and sometimes, even picturing the downfall of other people just so that I can act as if I’m the only the shoulder to cry on so that I CAN BE THE ATTENTION INSTEAD OF LOOKING FOR ONE…ooowwwhhhhhh I feel like crying right now…why can’t I just be cool about my own destiny???...WHY CAN”T I JUST BE COOL ABOUT MY OWN DESTINY!!!??? (Screaming)…I know I’m a late bloomer by nature, but I can’t stay that way forever right? You know what, I think know what needs to be done…and that is a huge inner make over…yeah, that’s it! (as if I never felt this way before)…but I guess maybe this is a sign for me to proceed with what I have intended in my head all this while…hmmmmm, maybe this isolation that I have created can be the starting point that I need to go through with what I need to do to kick-off this one plan of mine…yup, I guess I should start somewhere…I already have all the essentials that I need to run through…maybe I should start today! :)
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