Confessions Of A Broken Heart...

     I’m starting to gather up what has been bugging me lately that leads to all the emotional distress that I’ve been having…I don’t know whether I’ve let it out to you before but seriously for the past couple of weeks I’ve been going through a serious life evaluation, meaning I’m actually reflecting about what I’ve done, accompalishments and my future plans…and apparently, nothing bizarre or bombastic has been happening, in fact, so far I have nothing worth shouting about…all my life I’ve been living in the safe zone where I’ve never actually been out there and start something from the very scratch, I’ve always been dependable on others and being lucky most of the time…I wonder how does it feel to get your hands dirty while having that passion and the will to survive and declaring yourself a self-made entrepreneur or anything in particular…I know, I can only wonder, but we have to be physically and mentally prepared with the obstacles and challenges that’s heading our way when it comes to starting something on your own…but before that, let me clarify an issue in which it’s not that I’m not greatful or thankful with what I have and the people around me, but somehow, as a person, they say you never truly know yourself in terms of personality and capability until you throw yourself all alone into the endlessly competitive phenomenon called LIFE out there…and because of that lack of Life experience, you tend to be mono, meaning that you do grew up, you do develop your personality, interest and dreams, but somehow, it’s rather ordinary and not groundbreaking…and only God knows what will your next course of action be once the law of nature starts to hit you big time!!!...And if you realised it, these kind of people will suffer a personality disorder that will take a dramatic emotional turn to the people around them, I mean, at first you tend to have fun in your life like getting your first job, your first car and all the joys of that first steps on being independent…but what happens when you start to move on with that job of yours and starting to realise that you’re actually doing the same thing day in day out 24/7 every single year???...You starting to wonder, is this what I REALLY want???...and when you have these endless questions lingering in your head, it starts to consume a part of you that caused some insecurity and unrelevant discomfort in your personality and how you carry yourself…and when people starts realising that, they tend to build a wider gap from you in the name of respecting your issue and pretty much giving you the favor to reflect on your actions (what%@*#ingever)... But hey, it does happened, in fact, it’s happening to me now…

I’m a 26 year-old guy, turning 27 in May next year, and it won’t be long until the day when I come to realise where tomorrow I’ll be turning 30!!!...and yet STILL I have nothing concrete that I can truly declare mine, while I know a normal guy must have at least something by the time they are 30…and yet, this morning my wake up call is a loud bang at my door caused by my dad’s intensed anger at me for not waking up for Subuh prayer…I know, there are millions of others out there missed their Subuh and it happens on a daily basis, but how I look at it, these tiny mishaps is actually a reflection of what you are as a kid when your parents indeed wake you up for your Subuh prayers, I mean there’s nothing wrong or weird about it really…but I’m wondering when will this ‘ritual’ has to end where I can actually wake up for Subuh all on my own???...not only will it increased my dad’s calmness and patience, but I’ll be developing a higher level of discipline in myself…I don’t know, these are some of the things that makes me want to have a complete makeover of what I want to be in the long run…yeah, it starts with the prayer time misses, what about everything else??? Before things starts making an ugly turn, I better shake my test-tube real hard…I should drop all unnecessary things and even people out of my life, coz they surely dropped you a long time ago…I should start with the basics…start learning, analyzing, understanding and proceed with action to achieve results…but will I really make it in the end???…I don’t know, perhaps those questions should be dumped somewhere and just fill yourself up with all the encouragement and positive motivations just for the sake of moving on and trying to make it…it sure gives me one helluva goosebumps just thinking about it, but really, I think that is sooooo normal, but never take that for granted…spend on what you truly need, not what you desire…have a good financial management skills, always set a line on how much you’re spending…try to adapt to a much simpler lifestyle (eventhough you grew up the easy way) by having affordable stuffs instead of branded items…never get intimidated with what people around you are doing, but rather have fun with it and aim to do the same thing at your own expense one day…and most importantly, NEVER BE AFRAID TO ACCEPT AND DEVOUR WHO YOU REALLY ARE REGARDLESS OF YOUR FLAWS, DISADVANTAGES & WEAKNESSES!!!...that is one BIG quality you need to embrace…all your accompalishments or good deeds will be pointless if you are FAKE…and, for the sake of pleasing your soul once in a while, HAVE FUN WITH LIFE…LIFE has beautiful surprises, opportunities, and even tempting gold mines…so always be on your toes to happily jump on to any chances you get, with deep thought and consideration of course…and Insyaallah, something remarkable will be heading your way soon…just have to remind myself, “When You Have Nothing, Allah Is Up To Something”…J