Yup!...but before we all go ooooooooooooooooo or aaaaaaaaaaaaaa or 'NO WONDER LAH' towards this lil issue of mine, allow me to explain it in more detailed manner. It's not really that type of disorder that you might have thought, but mine is more driven with a situation. To make it understandable, we tend to have lots of things planned for ourselves, both short-term or long-term. When we say planned or planning, it boils down to being just a plan by the end of the day, in order to make it into a reality, we have to break our sweat and tears in order to achieve that full sense of belonging and fulfillment to that plan of ours. THAT'S WHERE MY PROBLEM ARISED. I tend to think a lot more than coming up with solutions or actions. Some might say that when you do a lot of thinking, it actually portraying yourself as a thinker in which most thinkers will come up with one bold solution or action that even the thinker themself is confident enough that it can be used as a benchmark for you to move closer to that plan of yours. But as lil old me, the more i put my thought into it, the more i felt uncertain about my own plans, thus making the thinker in me tilted more towards the negativity of everything i have planned out. I know that is NOT GOOD!...
And here's the Big Cake, thanks to all this negativity in my head, it totally affects my personality and my confidence towards the people around me. I tend to over judging myself on the way i talk, the way i'm expressing my opinions, my first reactions towards things and people, even my smile and my sense of humour!!!...IT IS THAT PATHETIC!!!...my confidence really took a dive when this things happened...I wonder what kind of plans that i had get myself into until it makes me think too much thus pushing my positivity away...I don't know, even things like work can make me jump into this gloomy situation...in short, whenever i felt uneasy or uncertained about my own moves, then i just can't let it go until i entirely figured out how to overcome it...to remedy it...i really need to find the solution FAST!!!
Expressing this dilemma does trigger my tears to swirl around my eyes right now. To be truthfully honest, this inner conflict of mine has been going on for years. And yet i just couldn't find anything or anybody that that can help to ease this internal problematic chaos of mine just yet. It sure feels so frustrating when before this everything when quite flowy and you are very comfortable in your own skin, and the next thing you know you rather locked yourself or hide yourself somewhere discreet, while pretending to portray as if ur busy or tight up to other engagements to the people that you usually hang out with, and when you finally meet up with them again, you tend to be quite reserved and you start to feel unsure of what to do or say to them, thus this can create a sense of uneasiness and confusion to the people we're meeting up with, and it can also create a tension that is filled with negativity like 'Apasal ngan ko ni?'...'ermmm, are you okay today?'...or...'Ko ni OVERLAH!!!!' Dahlah, aku nak tido!'....or some other situations similar like those...And it sure takes quite a while for me to regain that positivity again coz it is hard work trying to put your unresolved plans aside for a very long time...everytime u pushed it away, it will come to carresed your head again soon enough and this dark cycle of personality disorder will spins its cursing self over and over again....Haaaaaanhhhhhhh...I Need Help...I NEED PROFESSIONAL HELP!!!...Time for my Tissues And Issues to shine...:(
A Good Holiday Might Help Too!!!!....UWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA I HATE MYSELF RIGHT NOW!!!...I NEED A RETREAT!!!
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